I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
