Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
