you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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