WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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