I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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