I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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