well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize