good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
