They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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