If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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