so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
