my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
