I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
