If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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