She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
