So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
