i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
