How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
