My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
