Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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