Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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