why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i have two assholes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
