im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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