"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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