I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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