In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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