I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
