When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize