An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
