Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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