I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
