I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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