You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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