She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
