my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
