The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
