I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
