I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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