I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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