if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
not ubering you a puppy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
