i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my fart just growled at me.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize