My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
