well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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