I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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