I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
