You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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