I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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