is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
