if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
