Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Of course I have a pirate flag
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
