her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
