looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
