she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
