She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
