I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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